Eggshells

It feels like I have to walk on eggshells now

Like I am balancing on a very thin edge

Teetering on a tightrope

Between losing you and having you stay

I screwed up so many things

I crossed bridges that weren’t meant to be crossed

And then burned them afterwards

I keep hoping and asking for forgiveness

Even though I know I don’t deserve it

I should have treated you better

I should have been more understanding

I should have been kinder

I should have expected less

I should have been less selfish

But I was all of those things

And I continue to be all of those things

I try not to be but I don’t know how

You said you don’t like hard conversations

So I will avoid them altogether

I will be happy

I will put on a face for you

Because I am afraid

That my darkness will push you away again

That you will see me the way I see me

That you will hate me the way I hate me

I want everything to go back to the way it was

Back to when you could always make me smile

Back to when you were always there

Back to when I never doubted your love for me

Back to when I didn’t feel so alone

I wish I could just live in those few weeks forever

Those were the happiest times of my life

But I don’t think it will ever return to that again

I don’t think our friendship will ever be able to feel like that again

I have ruined too much

I have caused too much pain

It is my fault that everything is like this

It always seems to be my fault

Are you walking on eggshells around me?

It feels like you are

We are in this dance

It is disjointed and awkward and uncomfortable

We tiptoe around each other

Shying away from the ugly

Steering clear of the painful

Pretending that everything is ok

That all is healed

When it’s obvious the opposite is true

I wish I had a magic wand to mend what I clearly have destroyed

But I don’t

All I can do is continue to move as slowly as possible

And as little and as quietly as I can manage

So that I don’t scare you off

So that I don’t lose you forever