addicted to nothingness

at this point: i'm just confused

you feel almost tangible; like i keep chipping away slowly at armor, not knowing what's underneath. maybe it's nothing, but i don't think it is

see, i crave you

i want smokey breath against my teeth, strong hands in my hair, losing myself at the warmth on my fingertips.

we are orbiting, and i hope i'm magnetic enough, because

some days, i feel like i'm getting closer.

tearing away at chest piece (a text)

lancing at your helment (a touch)

i think i got a good blow in (you called me adorable, but i don't know what it really meant)

other days, i'm bringing a rose to a gunfight

the days i try my hardest, i get a smile, then

(you didn't save my number)

(you don't text me back)

(you call me buddy)

then nothing

do i love it more than the warmth? the thrill of the chase. the bite of the bullet.

how long can i tear apart metal? all i crave is the flesh that may or may not be there.

i don't know what's under the chainmail, i can only hope it's something worth feeling. as if any of this is worth feeling.

it's hard to fight when i'm disarmed by your smile.

the blue of your eyes. the trip of my own shoes, i'm self defeating. i know this is a fight i'm not going to win

if i ever wanted to win, i scoff

if there is anything to win, that is

but i think i'd be okay with winning nothing