Sometimes

Sometimes, I lie awake at night

2 in the morning

Wondering what I did wrong

Wishing I could go back in time & change things

Sometimes, when my thoughts keep me up,

I stare at the ceiling

And see black,

Wishing I saw colors instead.

Sometimes, I’m proud of myself

But, most hours, I hate myself and beat myself up about mistakes I’ve made in the past

Praying that the past does not repeat itself

Sometimes, I think of you

Wishing you were here with me

To comfort me when I’m trapped in my own thoughts -- that haunt me & choke me

Until someone like you saves me.

Sometimes, I wish you would love me back

Hoping you will pull up to my house one day & kiss me deeply.

But, since I know that moment will cease to exist,

I try to accept our lustful friendship full of once-a-week flings.

I try to forget about your seductive smirk, old man laugh, and thick, greasy, blond hair.

Sometimes, I try to forget about the things that made me fall in love with you entirely: Our late night FaceTime calls

Your sense of humor

The way you tease me & the way you look at me.

Why do you look at me with those shiny, blue, love-filled eyes

Yet, still say we're "only friends"?

Sometimes, I ask myself why I’m doing this

Why I’m allowing myself to be in so much pain

Why I signed myself up for this

For this heartbreak.

And the reason why is... you.