Nana

Ever since you left they’ve told me to be strong.

To be strong for her.

Can’t crumble in front of her.

You’re all she has, they say.

You’ve got to be strong.

Hide your pain,

Hide your wounds,

Hide your scars,

She needs you right now.

I know she needs me,

I know I have to be strong.

I hide my pain

My scars

My wounds.

But worst of all,

I shove my sorrow down,

Until I can’t see it anymore.

I’m there for her,

A shoulder to cry on.

But don’t they know you meant the same to me?

Don’t they know I loved you too?

Don’t they know I miss you so?

Don’t they know I need help too?

They tell me to be strong,

And I listen.

But all I want is to be weak.

To sob,

To shout,

To curse the skies for taking you away.

To crumble until I cease to exist.

To cry until it stops hurting.

To nurse the gaping hole you left in my chest.

To hide until the cold dead weight on my chest lifts.

But most of all

I want to bring you back.

Why do I have to be strong?

Why does she have to lean on me?

Who is supposed to be strong for me?

Who can I lean on?

Why did you have to leave?

You know I wasn’t ready.

You were my rock.

My shoulder to cry on.

Now you’re gone

And I have to be everything you were for me for her.

Why do they think it’s okay to burden a child with the weight of an adult?

I knew eventually I’d have to carry my mother,

But 15 is too soon.

I know you had to leave

But why so soon?

Couldn’t you have stayed?

Just a little longer?