You thought you loved me

It was your birthday when you told me you think you love me.

I asked you to tell me one more time that you loved me.

Just to make sure I heard you right.

When you told me that you think

You love me,

The first thing I thought of was

He is so damn drunk.

As you began to

cry

I began to believe you a little bit more.

But you were drunk,

And that is why you were crying.

Right?

You have seen me cry more times than I am comfortable with.

If it were up to me, you would have never seen me cry.

I hate hearing you shush me as I hyperventilate into you shoulder.

I hate when you have to remind me to breathe whenever my sobs become too powerful.

If it were up to me, you would always see me

happy.

I couldn’t stop staring at you.

I had never seen anything,

Felt anything,

Lived through anything as beautiful and as indescribable

as that moment

when you told me

You loved me.

I told you how beautiful you looked to me in that moment, too,

And you shook your head.

But I was in awe of the way you looked.

So innocent and sweet.

Like I had never seen you before.

In that very moment,

I felt important.

It was like everything I had been doing my whole life,

Every decision

Every fear,

thought

and experience

Lead me to that moment with you.

My eyes never lost sight of you as

I wiped your warm tears away.

My lips slightly parted in surprise when

You told me

you had not cried

In over 5 years.

I am still in shock

Or denial

Or maybe I just don’t believe you

Because I keep having to remind myself of the night

You told me you think you love me.

I am sorry I didn’t tell you I loved you back.

I have never had a boy tell me they loved me.

I didn’t know boys were capable of love,

And I sure as fuck didn’t think

I was capable.

I do not know what love is.

I have never believed in it.

Until now.