in me

I have this fear under my skin

I can't reach it,

I can't scratch it

it's just there,

sometimes it subsides

so I barely notice it

and on other days it fills me up

crippling my thoughts

freezing my heart

and slowing my movements,

I can't touch it

but I can sense it,

I know exactly where it is

it hides at the back of my throat

slides down my back

and lands in my stomach

it's a mover

it never sits still

vibrating and expanding

it makes me scared

as it should

for that is its sole purpose

it's not motivating

it doesn't want to make me whole,

I always had it

it's always with me

never leaving, never letting me go

and now it's got worse

with my loss,

with a new missing piece

as if my void had once again expended

moved and shifted,

I worry because of it

I never know if it's real,

or just pretense

does it mean anything

or is it just "my thing"

it pains me, it makes me shiver

shedding tears out of hopelessness

that I often feel...

but at times it fades

and I forget, smiling despite it all

good souls around me

giving me hope...

but today I just needed to let it go

so it falls off my chest,

because it's been circling around me

and demanded my attention,

so in this moment

I let it go

I let it fly,

so it no longer chokes me

and freezes my touch

it will return

for it is a part of life

but for now, I'm letting it go

...........................................................................