Snow

Cold winter air sieves through my lungs. To the wind, I am invisible. Standing here in the bleached landscape I can almost forget the horrors and almost recall joy. But only almost. I'm at the border between mental states, the flipping point when the brain is undecided. I wait. Breathe. Hope to stay invisible. Some part of me knows the worst is yet to come. Some other part of me doesn't care. Yet a third part thinks "this isn't so bad. Let it stay. Let it stay."

That was nothing. For a moment, blissful thoughtlessness. I try to do it again.

Failure.

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

I wait for the waves of hell to crash against me and wash away the snow.