Saying No

I'm sitting on the rock

It's still cold and jagged like I remember

Do you remember this rock?

The water pulses

And the gnats float above the tiny waves

The pond is silent

Just like it was the night

You ripped my clothes off

Grabbed at my chest

And stuck your tongue down my throat

While I tried not to cry

Do you remember this rock?

You shoved my body against it

And knocked the phone out of my hand

When my mother asked where I was

The screams rattled around in an empty chest

Because you took my heart

And threw it on the ground

You demolished my soul

You drowned it in the lake

As the trees watched in horror

And soaked up my tears

From the cold dirt ground

I tried to open my mouth to shriek for help

But I was too stunned

Confused

Hurt

"Why didn't you say no?"

I did

I did say no

I cried no

But every time I said it

He would shove his tongue deeper

And wrap his hands around my neck

A little tighter

I begged for him to stop

But all he cared about

Was his unsatiable urges

And the breasts that he had grabbed

In his calloused hands

I am scarred

We shoved each other

And I even bit your tongue

So desperate to make you stop

The night was still

Your voice whispered in my ear

Let go and trust me trust me

Every time I think of that I shudder

Remembering this is my nightmare

I hope you live with the guilt

But I know

That I should forgive you

For your mistakes

No matter how despicable

Maybe not today

But eventually I will

I threw away the shirt

The one I was wearing that night

Because every time I looked at it

My eyes stung

And my heart thudded faster

We were talking about mermaids

How the fish dancing in the lake

Looked like mermaids to me

When you grabbed me for the first time

Now the dark scares me

The beautiful soft night is cruel

In my bright green eyes

And the thought of a beautiful woman

In the sea

With the tail of a fish

Is no longer enchanting

Or mystical

It's disturbing and painful

And makes me cry in my sleep

I will never forget that night

Throughout high school

My body trembled at the thought of you

And at the thought of kissing any mouth

Kissing is meant to be a symbol of love

Trust

Loyalty

But for you it meant lust

You tried to drag me into the woods

And when I ran you came after me

Now I find myself running away from problems

Because I am too afraid

To look them in the goddamn eye

It took years of music

Singing

Walking

Talking

And tears

Just to get over you

To forget what you did

And to leave your face in the past

But the desperation in my tears

Right now

Five years later

Tells me that I'm still not over it

And maybe I never will be

Do you remember this rock?

Every time I sit on it

I think of you and what you did

And I hope you do the same