H. R. Pufnstuf

(Only because Godzilla is already contracted out for an upcoming movie)

H. R. Pufnstuf would be my bodyguard for a variety of reasons.

First, there is not a single person on planet Earth who could concentrate on hurting me when H. R. Pufnstuf is present. He would draw all attention to himself, leaving me the opportunity to flee a dangerous situation.

Second, using nothing more than integral calculus and a computer, this guy could hide (inside and out) the most amount of ballistic armor the world has ever seen. Even a RPG couldn't take him down.

Third, same reason for volume, different for inventory. H.R. Pufnstuf could carry enough firepower to arm two Third World militias.

Fourth, everybody knows (hint hint, wink wink) that Sid and Marty Kroft used H. R. Pufnstuf as a conduit into the underground culture. As my bodyguard, Pufnstuf gets automatic steet cred. Nuff said.

Finally, short of arriving in the Oscar-Mayer Weinermobile, the Monkees car, or the Batmobile (old school - Adam West years), who wouldn't want to hang with H. R. Pufnstuf? Even if someone beat the stuf out of Stuf, he (and thus I) could claim the sympathy vote for any jury of our peers.

Besides, the dude is 7 feet tall. Two-on-two in the schoolyard and the homecourt advantage goes to me - and the Stuf.