Our Chemistry-Filled Chemistry Class

It was our second month in school together

The month of October, when everything falls down

When everyone and everything falls into the crooked hole I like to call Love

I was shy 

I couldn't change that

You would always smile at me when you came in late

I wouldn't look back

I could feel you staring sometimes

At the back of my head

I could feel you touching my hair

Playing with a curly brown thread

You sum up the courage one day to ask me "Can we go on a date?"

Unfortunately for you, I didn't know how you felt about me yet

I didn't know what to feel, I didn't know how to respond 

So I said the first thing that came to mind

I said no

Maybe I was insensitive towards you when I rejected you

Maybe I thought it was for the best 

But dammit, no matter how hard I try

I can't get you out of my head

I have feelings for you now that I haven't had before

So I try to give subtle cues, nothing less, nothing more

When you ask around for a pen for instance, and no one replies

I smile to myself at your recklessness

And timidly reach out to you, a brief glance into your eyes

A sudden exchange of glances, a secret amongst ourselves

A slight caress of skin on skin, as your fingers touch my pen

Raw emotions of pain and pleasure pooled within your eyes, my eyes

A short-lived battle you win

I look away, but I don't want to

I want you

I want to look at your eyes

Your hazel eyes, as sweet as honey when you look at me

As cold as ice when you don't

I try to make it up to you

I try to get closer to you, but to stay far at the same time

I try to give you tiny hints

Implicit displays of my affection for you

In every class, if I pushed my chair back, you'd pull yours forward

You'd sit behind me with your tall legs outstretched, wide open on both sides of my chair 

I'd take it as a warm invitation, so I nestle my feet between them

You would close the gap, so that our legs were touching

You get closer to me, if that was even possible

And start twirling strands of my hair

I don't stop you, no one's looking, so I don't care

I feel safe now, I feel protected

I feel content now, I feel excited

I feel your eyes on me again

I can hear you sigh contently behind me

At this newly acquired knowledge of yours

I can imagine you thinking now "she likes me too" with our legs intertwined

I smile to myself at our little game

I don't want it to end

Ironically, we had so much chemistry in this class

Maybe that's where it got the name Chemistry

This was our only chance

Our only chance to show our love in disguise

Sometimes I would even tease you

Like whenever you were standing and talking to your friend, your back facing me

I would pretend I forgot something in my locker

So I would stand up and put my hand on your back

As I tried to squeeze myself between you and the desk

I would always feel you tense under my touch

And I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed it

I enjoyed the way I made you feel

Or when we went up the stairs side by side

We would consciously let our arms touch, just to feel the goosebumps

This was our little secret, and no one would ever know

No one except the two of us

At the end of the day, I would go to my bus and you would follow me

Thanks to your best friend, whose bus was mutual to mine

So I'd place my bag on my seat, and we'd say our visual farewell for the day

As the first buses start their engines, you would rush to your bus and I would sit in mine

I would always have a mini panic attack at that moment

Scared that I may never see you again, as irrational as that is

But who said love was rational?

My eyes yearn for your touch, for a glimpse

A brief glimpse of you

As I repeatedly tell my brain  "one more time, just one more time" 

As I try to convince myself that I've already bid you goodbye for the day

The feeling is hard to resist

So I finally succumb to my pleasure

And as I turn around ever so slightly,

Your knowing smile greets me.