Bad Roots, Bad Seeds

It’s kinda like rain

The sounds your mother makes

When she pleads for you never to leave her

When she softly screams in your ear

About why you should love her for what she did for you

About why it’s your responsibility to be with her

About how you matter to her more than anything

About how you deserve a mother in your life

About how she’s sorry, despite her not knowing for what

About how I shouldn’t let others make my decisions for me

At first it makes you shiver

The first time you hear your mother beg you for your love

But after awhile, it becomes white noise

You become indifferent

It’s hard to believe at first

The way the woman who gave birth to you’s tears fall

And maybe you notice a foggy window

Or how your hair’s a little frizzy

But it means nothing to you

You take no joy in it

But it doesn’t hurt you like it’s supposed to

It’s just there

Trickling into your ears

Watery and insubstantial

Making no claim on your conscience

Guilt is her weapon

So is fear

And rage

And kindness

And mercy

And ignorance

And trust

And deceit

And curiosity

And faith

She breaks you down with every tool she gave you

Once you realized it, your veins coursed with fury

An indignance too mature for your age

You realize how she kept you and your brothers and sisters in the dark

And she manipulated your father

The more you think about it, the more it seems like she tricked him

The hours he worked, his exhaustion every day

While she “taught” you like she was supposed to

She did whatever she wanted

While you fought and never learned

This was all I could think before I spoke to her that night

My parents never taught my brother to read

They never taught me to tie my shoes

They never cared what I did

I used to torture my siblings for fun

Because I didn’t know what else to do

There was nothing else to do

Alone with them all day

Every single day

Not a single wavering aspect

Never having contact with someone outside of your family

Never even going outside

Not a single one of us having friends

So we tortured each other

We did it out of necessity

It was fun to hurt them

And it was fun to be hurt by them

And it wasn’t playing, either

It was torture

It really was

And my parents didn’t care

My father too tired or too busy

My mother content with the chaos

I did things to my brother I’ll never repeat

And I saw him do things to my sisters that would bring most to tears

Each day was an eternity of suffering born of neglect

And they were all too young to remember

But not me

I remember every single day

What really strikes me looking back is how little my parents cared

I lost my virginity at 9 years old

A fact that haunts me every day

And they couldn’t have cared less

Because she was just fine with her easy little life

Once my father finally caught on, that’s when the pain really set in

When I really realized what was going on

My parents got a divorce

And my siblings and I were finally put back in school

My brother unable to read

My sisters having never interacted with another human being their age

Me having to grow up that instant

I went from not going to school from 1st through 6th grade

Being completely left behind in my education

To having 7th be my first experience in school

And when I went to talk to her

When I finally confronted her

She brushed every last word of my pain off

When my father finally moved out

And we were split finally

I was forced to do everything my mother wouldn’t

I realized what I’d done wrong

I realized what had been wrong

My malice reared its head

I knew she was wrong

Wrong for forcing me to take care of my siblings when she refused

Wrong for never giving me the chance to be normal

Wrong for never giving me the chance to be a kid

Wrong for never teaching me

Wrong for never taking the time to be my mother

And I still loved her

She was my mother after all

So I kept hearing in my head after she picked up the phone

I told about how I didn’t want to any more

And the lines in my forehead deepened

Lines too deep for a twelve year old kid

Her forced sobbing cut me deeper than I’d imagined

Emotions were just tools to her

Means to an end

Just like my father was

Her pride wouldn’t let me go

So she tried all she could

I can barely believe I didn’t surrender to her

It was only recently that I realized how much I hate her

I hate her for what she let me do

I hate her for never changing after these years since that night

I hate my mother

But I also know that she isn’t some villain

Some master manipulator like I thought before

She’s just pathetic and selfish and unaware

Which only makes me hate her even more

Because I see that same stupid face in the mirror every day

And when people ask I always tell them I don’t think about it

But I’m lying

It still dries my eyes out in the middle of the night

Her repulsive little voice still lives in my mind every day

Because I’m just as selfish and pathetic

And rambling about it just shows it:

I just want the attention, don’t I?

I’m just as bad as her

I’m sure that I’ll torture my children just as much

I’m just another batch of spoiled milk

Wasted potential

Just like her

Everything I said is just more white noise

Just more rain trickling in the background