Big Top

there is a ball beneath my feet still rolling

while i stay miraculously balanced atop of it,

welcome to my own big top circus,

Come watch me juggle knives.

& i’m not trained to handle that kind of danger,

But it’s a show! but the red nose is on,

& the clown’s mostly just around for a quick laugh or to stab anyway, see, i’m used to being seen as a freak.

I’m getting used to seeing my strangeness as a a strength

Maybe this is a business where bearded ladies don’t have to shave, they just let that shit grow.

Make it a spectacle and you won’t worry about trying to hide it.

there are people paying money to see this

& me? i’m just trying to stay alive.

I’ve learned surviving

sometimes feels like I’m killing my own dignity sometimes

But still… I wear it regal-like.

people have always called me a freak.

Stared at me in disbelief

Laughing at me unaware I’m in on the joke they all made of me

But I don’t mind because i have a long history

of swallowing my own sword & surviving,

i have a legacy of tight-rope walking over alligators.

I’ve fallen a few times, but I’m used to getting eaten alive

So I’ll let you feast on the parts of me,

You can sink your teeth into my past travesties

I will wear old battle scars like badges.

Make them part of the show.

I’ll display abortion, self-induced teenage starvation,

Race-and-gender related afflictions, heartbreaks,

show you abuses, drug addictions, a medley of disorders

I’ll balance on a thin line between past traumas future revelations

I’ll make it work. Make it a show

For a buck because

I have always been called a freak.

But maybe i’ll be one of them who just

takes your money

and runs.

(Heather Dora, 2016)