Something Left to Lose

I never loved you, but I wish I had.

I wish I had the tears to shed for you leaving. I wish when you slammed the door for the last time, I had screamed "FINE!" And not just stared in cold silence.

I wish when you asked me to prom back in high school, I'd said yes-- I really wish you'd never asked me at all. But my refusal just... Fueled you. And I regret it. I regretted it the day you stole my first kiss on the first date. I regretted it the day you bought me a necklace and followed with "it was on sale". I regretted it the day I realized your eyes weren't staring longingly... Just undressing me with every blink.

I wish I'd realized sooner. Sooner, to save myself from this-- this-- this apathy. This cold, unforgiving apathy. Where sadness should cripple, where anger should burn, where desperation and loneliness should send me tumbling down a slope of depression, and insecurity, and loss, and grief...

It doesn't.

I wish I'd realized I never loved you-- No...

I wish I had loved you.

Then, at least, I'd have something left to lose.