Gone Solo (Solitary)

I thought I'd be more upset.

I thought the years we had together

had made you inseparable from my psyche.

Instead I find myself relieved.

You were estranged,

longing to retreat 

Into your world of self-induced sadness.

I was just an accessory,

A point you made immensely clear .

Not with words or actions,

but rather with your aura,

Tepid and uninterested.

The silence

The half-hearted conversations

You chipped away at me

Unknowingly maybe

with a familiar emptiness.

I cannot complain.

I'm not so dense 

That I thought things would return to our standard

I am, however, dense enough

To believe you would come back to me

Complete in yourself

Yet seeking companionship

To pass the time.

Maybe you found someone else, then.

One who makes the time go by faster

More so than I could.

I hoped for clarity

You gave none.

So here I sit

Writing these words

Not because I want you to read them

Nor does it bring peace.

This is a way for me to discover

The incredibly misguide machinations

Within my heart.

Some eternal sunshine

Wants the warmth of you back

To comfort its world

To hear your voice

To know you again.

"That's gone now," I say

"It's not coming back."

How could I put myself

At the mercy of desire

Another time?

Is it innocence

Or maybe ignorance

That leads me down these roads?

I hope that one day

I'll have the answer, until then

I'll live in this quagmire so full

Of bitter dreams

Of meaningless wants

Of lost time

And my own damnation 

Confined to blackouts.