Rubatosis - The unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat

I woke up hungry and I called for you,

But there was no answer because you were gone.

I lay there and I tried not to think

tried not to focus

on the empty space inside me where you used to be.

I rolled over and I closed my eyes tight,

Whispered ’no, I’m not crying

These tears are a parting gift,

compensation for the prizes I didn’t win,

but thanks for coming out and being on the show.’

I wrapped my arms around myself,

I tried not to pretend they were yours,

But just between you and me...

Wait, the only thing between you and me

is the heavyweight quiet of a house where you don’t live anymore.

I didn’t realize how much room you took up

Until you took all that life with you.

What you left behind? It isn’t death

Death is not empty.

But at this moment,

I am.

It broke my heart that you didn’t say goodbye.

Just pushed me away in increments,

the silence pressing against my skin,

A surface tension stretched tight with unmet need.

I saw the fire dying, though I was still feeding it,

and you didn’t have the strength to tell me it had already gone out.

You didn’t want to be the one to hurt me

But that grim line that used to be a smile ripped me in two.

I think this is how a hedgehog must feel

on those days when it forgets

Which way to curl

And all the prickles stab from the inside out.

But hiding only works for so long.

Even with breath held and mind quiet

The dull thump in the centre of my chest

Pushes back against the sticky temptation of inertia

A tick-tock

to-do list

moments count

2..3..4

and 1 more time..

A consistent beat that finds its way

everywhere

To ears

To fingers

To toes

A slow motion woodpecker rat-a-tat

Poking holes in my theory that I can’t go on

Without you.