Guy Fieri’s Ark: A Parable in Board Shorts

Guy: "Women and children first."

Mohawk: "So, women first? Or children first? You said women first, like sequentially. But then you qualified children as first. Like explicitly."

Guy: "Damn I don't know, man. I love my kids. Code-man. And I love women."

Mohawk: "Jesus, GuyFi."

Guy: "Jesus too. I mean of course, gotta throw Jesus in there."

Mohawk: "So your boy, some ladies, and Jesus?"

Guy: "His big is this ark? No for real, though, I tell you what I'd kill for at night on the water is like the monster cookie they serve in like the cast iron skillet. And like a vanilla speck ice cream dollop just--"

Mohawk: "Just--"

Guy: "Just wrist flip of ice cream. Right there on top."

Mohawk: "So, number one your kids, number two your ladies, number three Jesus, and number four the cast-iron skillet cookie with the ice-cream wrist-flip."

Guy: "Damn bro, I forgot about guacamole."

Mohawk: "Guacamole's extra, everybody knows that by now. Can't add guac."

Guy: "Women cost more than guac."

Mohawk: "No guac, GuyFi. No guac."

Guy: "I gotta have guac, dude. No guac? Are you serious right now?"

Mohawk: "Totally for serious right now."

Guy: "Bro."

Mohawk: "Rules, bro. Gotta have 'em."

Guy: "Dude. You cannot be--are you serious right now? Are you even serious right now?"

Mohawk: "Oh I'm totally serious right now."

Guy: "Okay then. Here it is."

Mohawk: "The list?"

Guy: "The list."

Mohawk: "GuyFi's favorite things."

Guy: "GuyFi's. Mother clucking. List of. Mama said knock you out. Absolute favorite, stuff I bring in my designer bag that doesn't count toward my five. Apocalypse island."

Mohawk: "Five things. And I'll give you the bag."

Guy: "Five things."

Mohawk: "Five things."

Guy: "Five thangz."

Mohawk: "Five thangzzzzz."

Guy: "Get loose, bro."

Mohawk: "I'm loose."

Guy: "You loose, bro?"

Mohawk: "Loose as a KY chicken leg."

Guy: "Here's how we're gonna do this. Reverse order. Cause it's like that."

Mohawk: "Oh it's like that?"

Guy: "It's like that."

Mohawk: "On like Donkey Kong."

Guy: "Number five."

Mohawk: "Numero quattro."

Guy: "Numero. El muthafucnquattro."

Mohawk: "Quattrrrrrroooooo."

Guy: "I gotta do it."

Mohawk: "Got to."

Guy: "Guac."

Mohawk: "BRO."

Guy: "I know, bro. I know. Number four."

Mohawk: "Numero--wait. Dude I think I goofed on quattro. Isn't four quattro?"

Guy: "Bro, it's all love."

Mohawk: "One love."

Guy: "One love, coming in at number four. You know I gotta do it."

Mohawk: "Got to."

Guy: "Must be done."

Mohawk: "HOVA."

Guy: "The movie Friday on DVD."

Mohawk: "HEY MRS PARKERRRRRRR."

Guy: "Mrs. Parker just don't knoweeewww."

Mohawk: "Blacker the berry, sweetuhda juice."

Guy: "She darker than a mufuca too. Haha, alright alright. Top three."

Mohawk: "After this commercial break."

Guy: "Solid voiceover voice, bro. You got something there. I'm telling you. That was cra--zeeyyy."

Mohawk: "And we're back. Over to you, GuyFi. Top three before we drown."

Guy: "Alright. I'm loose. Ready to walk the plank. Into my ark. Flip-flops flopping. Pants sagging. You know I got the glasses."

Mohawk: "Oh no doubt."

Guy: "It's ark, right?"

Mohawk: "Wuddou mean?"

Guy: "I mean, it's ark right?"

Mohawk: "Yeah, it's ark."

Guy: "Okay just checking cause I'm bout to put some arc on it. I'm bout to go Steph Curry on it."

Mohawk: "OHHHHHHH, hit 'em with the range ball."

Guy: "I hit 'em with the range ball. All day, baby. But alright, here it is. Three: Jesus."

Mohawk: "Solid. Top three, respect. You know what? That's respect."

Guy: "I'm sayin', it's not like I love Jesus less or anything, but I gotta put my mother at one. And Code-man at two."

Mohawk: "There you have it folks. Children two, ladies one."

Guy: "One love. Women and children first."

Mohawk: "One love. No doubt."

Guy: "Women and children first. Lezride."