undressing

i've been making up this love between us. i've crafted it from scratch, stitching together every crooked smile with the line i thought i could hook you on. i should admit i'll never see you again. i should decide that i don't even want to. but it's always the loves like this that tear me up the most. it's the ones i never had. i will never call you mine and i never really could.

and yet i keep you tucked tightly inside my pocket. out of sight and out of mind, but everyone knows i'm kidding myself. i can't forget that you're still there. i can feel you burning a hole through the denim and sinking straight into my blood. you're coursing through my body, pumping strong into my heart; my already-broken-heart.

i've never been good at giving things up. what if i need you again? what if you ever admit you want me the way that i want you?

why do i even want you to?

i hope some day i find these jeans crumpled and dirty in the back corner of my closet. i hope that i reach into this ripped back pocket to discover that i lost you somewhere along the way. and i hope when that day comes i won't even think of shedding a tear. i hope by then, losing you won't feel like a loss at all. i hope i'll be able to say i never really loved you anyway. i hope that i concede i am happy to be rid of you. i do not need to keep you. you never needed me.

i should take these jeans off right now and this time, not for you. i should strip every trace of you off of me and promise to never even try to pick you up again.