Sleep (the lack of, rather) is the curse that I live with. Insomnia they call it. It keeps me here when all I wish to do is leave.

     This struggle is not something new. When I was a little girl a good night’s sleep was something I often had. However, it became a less and less common occurrence as I entered my mid-teens. Now it is something I have given up on. I have accepted the absence of sleep in my life. I no longer try to rest. Yet I still lie in my bed at night, the only reason being my desire to dream.

     The dreams keep me going. Life is a repeating routine driven by stress, and I always look forward to something new and interesting to experience each night. Whether or not I actually get to dream is determined by my ability to make it over that hill of consciousness. It is a large hill, but the possibility of exciting fantasies on the other side is my motivation.

     Whenever I do dream it’s very random. In the moment it seems very real and rational, but then I wake up, and it feels like I have returned from an extraterrestrial encounter. Amid the chaos there is a figure that is present in every dream. I don’t know who this faceless, nameless shadow of a person is, but my guess is I won’t ever know. Really, it just adds more excitement to the dreams. I never know where it may be, but I always find it.

     In the meantime I don’t worry about it. I just let it be there. I am too busy to have time to think about it, anyway. My schooling and work have become my life. Every day is a rushing river tossing me to the next day, the next week, the next thing I have to worry about. While it is very stressful it is something that is important to me. I have always been a student that strives to get good grades, despite my lack of sleep. I have always cared about my future, and I am still making it. Being accepted into a good university has given me so many opportunities that I have been working towards. It it just a matter of staying afloat until I get to the end of the river. But I am determined, a little downhearted, but determined all the same.

     One day I will have a proper career, a nice home, hopefully people I want to be with and the time for it. But all of that takes hard work first. It takes focus. It takes all I have, but at night I can rest. I can let my mind wander and create things I can enjoy now, in the present. It gives me the strength to swim when I feel like I’m going to drown.

     When I can’t sleep my thoughts turns to memories of previous dreams. It’s like watching films while I lie in bed. Each one is different, but I have noticed change in the past week and a half of dreams. It seems my mind is playing a Cinderella story every night, and it’s very fun. The past few times I have had dreams I went to the ball. Each time I have had a different dress, ridden in a new coach, met other people. Different music from the Disney version plays in the background. It all makes the experience so much more fun.

     However, I have noticed that the shadowy figure is always there and always when everyone is dancing. A song ends, everyone bows or curtsies to their dance partner. The next song begins and everyone finds a new partner. I am dancing with whoever I find and having a wonderful time. The curious thing is that the song abruptly stops, and everyone quits their dancing. They all move to form a pathway to the the dais. And that is when I see him, the shadowy figure.

     Everyone stares in silence as he walks steadily towards me. The first time this happened I was actually quite frightened: he had never done anything but stand at a far distance in all of my other dreams. As he walks he has an air of mystery and power about him. He comes up to me. He bows. Then with a voice deep and rich as dark chocolate he asks me a question.

     “May I have this dance?”