Usually out of nowhere

My head is too crowded and noisy,

I can't hear the truth through the throng,

Throbbing the pathways in my thoughts.

Reflected in my throat by a lump,

So colossal I can hardly breathe.

I'm bombarded by the bustle,

That resonates with the cramped cluster,

Easily comparable to a food market in Gloucester.

One with freebies.

The river flows down the dock,

I don't know where it sprung from,

I've tried many a map,

But I don't have the resources.

So I force this flow to stop.

I tell everyone to go home,

Hide away the unknown,

And return to the un-peaceful,

Quiet of on my own.

I worry that the boy I bury,

Is all alone and I can't tell,

If the tears are his,

Or if there is more of me to learn.

I have to shut it down.

Shut it down and stand firm,

So I don't catch myself dying again.

I try to keep my brain in the room.

The room I am sitting in.

Keep my hands by my sides.

I need to be weapon-less,

But disarmed feels dangerous,

So I jiggle my foot or rock,

From side to side and then a scramble,

Of tears convey the tide.

It's just a second but I keep it in,

By slapping my eyes,

I am dreaming of knives till my head collides,

With the side till I get up and pace it off,

But I find myself at the fridge or a shop,

With a snack in my gob,

Far from the feeling that started this off.

Without even knowing I have run,

So far but it is never quite enough,

To escape the bazaar. It's a long way from the start,

But it feels like I'm stuck in the thick of it,

Surrounded by the noise. Surrounded by the fire.