toes

I have painfully ticklish feet

once it's discovered people find it amusing

but it isn't

I have panic-attack inducingly ticklish feet

one, two, three boys

none mine, all their own, all thinking it's a joke

hold me down

"take off her shoe!"

"hold down her leg she's kicking me!"

I'm not laughing I'm screaming

they're big and strong and I can't move and I'm terrified

they tickle my feet and I can't breathe

I'm laughing and screaming and breath will not come back in

I don't know where the oxygen I have is coming from

I don't know why

these boys think that doing this is fun

I don't know if I should blame rape culture or high school or the misconception held by nearly everyone who does not know me that I am an impenetrable wall

no one has ever considered me human

I am a robot here to amuse them and do their homework and laugh it all off

I am laughing now but I just want them off

all women are playthings to boys like these

released and running

"what's wrong?"

"we were trying to be funny!"

"chill out!"

ok.

I make no sound.

I'm too busy breathing and trying to get my heart to stop pounding out of my chest

maybe it's my fault

maybe it wasn't that big a deal

but what if it wasn't

just ticking my feet

what if

I lost

more than my breath

to these boys

I didn't but I could have and whose fault would it have been