The Ghosts

I'll get out of bed when I'm

compelled

I usually never want to

I'll throw down the fire

when I'm compelled

After lots of self doubt

I'll drive to where the road meets

the water when I'm compelled

But only then.

Otherwise, I try to sleep

I'll close my eyes

and pretend I

am just an everyday loser

..and take a 12 minute breather

Praying for the minutes to be long

They fade fast.

When the xanax and nyquil kick in I never want to wake up

Then I go to bad places

To go there

I'm compelled

to go there

to go

I see my dad there a lot

My dad said I wouldn't amount to much

So

I've gotten ten times bigger than he was at his peak

This isn't stopping either.

Fuck him

He haunts my twisted dreams

now

Making them worse and more

desperate

That sick fuck

I wish he would die totally

He lingers, that drunk fuck

He wanders the halls of our old house calling my sisters name in my dream

He lays in bed flesh slightly rotted

He does not realize

I feel it's not right

I remember Cortez street

vividly

I ask him why he won't die in these dreams

Why won't you die?

He ignores, trudges on..

In the dreams it's like we are in the present reality

but he won't die

But he's dead 20 years ago

Why don't you care

He asks me

I said

I just don't.

I can't take this dream anymore

I wake up choking on vomit

It stings

Awake now.

My dad sits there still

He's still alive

The ghosts in me keep my long ago dead body living

This is on them, all them

I tried to die a long time ago

Just wanted to sleep

They keep me alive

They keep me compelled

It's not really me

I will break free

I must stay stay compelled..